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| Someone emailed me today and told me something I knew in my head, a long long time ago, but never really sank in. I guess I am the stupid one to post my thoughts on a public blog, because it will definitely not please everyone, so I'm inviting myself to get shot. I really want to thank those of you who have benefited from my blog, that have personally wrote me messages, email and smses and telling me what they have learnt. I guess my blog is done serving its purpose. Also a special thanks to those of you who have uphold me in encouragement, prayer and support whenever I needed it. And if I ever sounded preachy, rude, insensitive, that may have hurt you in any way or stumbled you, please forgive me. I think I have mentioned this so many times that I am not perfect, this isn't a perfect blog that doesn't have all the answers that you might be seeking for. I have given my best, shared my deepest thoughts, most honest opinions. If you can't accept what was written, then take it with a pinch of salt. I've had enough of this so I am retiring from blogging, to search for another place where I am free to express myself. Sometimes, I wonder how Bono goes through it all. I admire the strength and persistence he has in what he holds on to and what he believes. If you think I am immature, I am sorry. I can only say that I'm growing at my pace. Think about those people who were so patient with you, thank your lucky stars for that. If you think my writings were stupid, immature, inconsistent, lack of prove, old school, whatever words I can't think of right now, once again, thanks for dropping by anyway. I'm sure you could do much better than me. :) If you really love and cared for me, then show me the real stuff, not just words. Walk your life and make it THE example, so that I know you're for real. J | | |
| My brother-in-law solved my knee "injury" mystery. I have yet to understand the cause of it, because the book he pulled out from the house library was so thick I think I might need some time to read it so I didn't bother. This problem helped me understand "urut", or massaging, or physiotheraphy even more. The term used is called Trigger Points, basically means that the main source of the pain is causing another part of the body to hurt. I've been having strange knee "tightness" and sometimes pain whenever I walk too much, stand too long or more significantly after an exercise involving the legs. I was so worried that my knee was wearing off, and how sad it is if it were to happen at someone my age! So what happened was my bro-in-law, (who is an athlete and is practicing for trialathon, he is really good in all these stuff, because of his great passion and interest in sports) looked at the diagrams shown in that fat book and started pressing the muscles above the knee. He used his thumbs and dug into the muscles, trying to find for that "point" that was causing the knee to hurt. So we found two points on my thigh. To know whether it is the point or not, it is obvious because it will hurt more than other parts. This trigger points are natural cause, when muscles are simply adjusting themselves to a workout, as they tear whenever we exercise them, therefore when it is like forming back, it sort of gets knotted up. What I am supposed to do right now is to either get someone to do this for me or do it myself, using my thumbs or elbow to massage the knot in one direction to "smoothen" it out. It may or may not cure it, but at least it won't hurt so badly. I'll have to do it several times in a day, and I must not have any sympathy for myself. The pain scale from 1-10, it should be about 8, while massaging it. Now I understood completely why my colleague said it was so painful when she went for "urut". I tell you, it was so painful I nearly cried. My brother-in-law was showing me how to massage it, man he had no mercy on me. LOL! He gave me a golf ball to help if I can't reach with my elbow. At one point when he massaged, the pain could be felt at my knee and that was the culprit. Oh gosh..I can remember how painful it is right now and my thigh is bruised, but it has to be done. However, I am happy to know that I don't have a knee injury and I can continue doing exercise. I held myself back from exercising for the fear of making my knee worst. It will heal over time. Gosh..now I have to be disciplined enough to massage it several times everyday. This is when your enemy would be useful...LOL! :) Get them the time of their life to massage you without any mercy, in order to cure yourself. LOL! Perhaps you would be interested to check it out online, type "Trigger Points" and see where it leads you to. I'm glad I didn't see the doc for it otherwise I would probably be given pain killers and it doesn't solve the problem. J | | |
| It's strange, that tho my blog is not private, I really enjoy typing what I feel. It helps me ease my inner pressure, sometimes it benefits those who read it, and the strange thing is, it's not personal. Most of the things I type are pretty surface, plus there are many untold stories which is why I am not threatened at all if whoever wants to read my blog. It serves like some therapeutic activity for me, and that's the reason why I don't really read other people's blogs. The reason I joined the blogging group is not because I love reading, which explains why I don't really read other people's blogs, unless there is a need to. I hope that my honesty in expressing myself moves those who read it, to know that there is someone real out here who has feelings. I'm not the kind who blogs only about fine and dandy stuff or mourn all the time nor try to stay good all the time. I'm human, I make errors throughout my entire life, and I want you to see that. Why? I feel strong when I am true to myself. I feel strong when I don't need to wear any mask. Oh by the way, I was up to mischief this afternoon in the bus ride home. A couple sitting behind us, one of them put his/her feet (I didn't see who) between my seat and my sister's. It was fine, but the problem was that the feet stank. I shoved my handbag on the feet to trigger that person to move the feet away but looks like he/she was fast asleep. It would sound odd, but I so felt like it. I took my inky pen, and drew a small smiley face on his/her big toe. I felt something wasn't complete, so I prayed for that person whom I drew the smiley on. I just asked God to bring His blessings into his/her life, that he/she will be a wonderful citizen in this country. Strange words, but it came through my prayer thoughts. So this person shall be someone significant in future. Just...something I enjoy doing I guess...always linking humour with my faith. J | | |
| I had a fantastic time in Singapore. That will take me quite some time to blog about it, but what I really have to say right now, is something else, something rather emotional for me. I hate it when I can't check my email for a day, because it will be clogged up with all kinds of emails, and after such a pleasant holiday, I received a few annoying ones, which really soured the ending. Last week, I sent out a mass email to close friends, close in the sense that we have reached a certain depth in terms of sharing, therefore I am comfortable enough to show these bunch of people my true colours. However, it is such a big mistake to do so. I was sharing something that tugged my heart so painfully, something shocking and I made sure I checked it before I sent it, made sure the tone was fine..etc..etc. Then someone in the group shot me back in public, mailling it to everyone as well, saying things like I bring disunity etc..etc. I am very hurt right now. If it was something wrong I've done, I thought that person could have done it better by doing it in a more personal way. This isn't the first time that has happened to me. I'm often dictated as to what I should be doing. I think I'm kind enough not to reveal the group of people I talk about. I often pour and cry out to one close friend of mine, that I can't do this any longer. Wherever I go, whatever I do, whatever I say, even in my free space on the internet, I feel so bounded, I can't be free to be who I really am. What wrong did I do just by expressing some feelings? Is it wrong to do that or should I suppress my feelings, be like a puppet to someone else? Far out man...I even get ticked off for what I share in my blog! I'm never given the benefit of the doubt. This has reached my limit. It has broken my trust in people even more. I guess, I have no choice but to shut myself out and really be selective of whom I want to share my thoughts and life to. I have no words left but to say, I am REALLY upset and hurt. I am disappointed with my group of friends, people whom I thought I personally knew, and thought I could be real to. I guess I sacrificed too much for the wrong group of people, who have been chewing on it for granted. I guess I have to move on like it never happened, and search for the right group that really sees my heart. Oh Lord, why am I so weak? Why did you allow this to happen, that made me trust people even less? You know I already have a problem with trusting. How is this gonna build me? You take me through all kinds of valleys and tunnels this year, but I am heading nowhere! It is times like these when I really see who are at my side...but Lord, how I hate it when you show me who my real friends are. Sometimes I wish I could live in ignorance. You are strange, Lord, you open my eyes to see things I don't want to see. I know I'm not defeated, it's a learning stage that's so painful that's all. Thank you Lord, that you make me strong and when the whole world walks out, you're there. I thank you that I can still trust you as my personal savior, friend, Father whom I can count on. Please teach me gently, that I may walk in your ways, and forgive me, for the wrong that I have done towards you and as for vengeance, I leave it in your hands. Amen. J | | |
| Took the train to Singapore and it was quite a bad experience. It would have been pleasant if they turned off the lights and the air cond wasn't too cold. I bet you it was less than 10 degrees C. Everyone was covering their heads shivering under the blankets. I went to stand near the toilet at 3.30am trying to sleep stand, and one poor guy came to use the loo, he got a shock seeing some long-haired being standing by the door, arms folded. He looked at me as if he wasn't sure if I was "real" or not. So I tried making things better; I looked right at him and smiled. Gee...now that I think about it, it was more creepy. LOL! But later on he built up the courage to ask me, "Aren't you going to sleep?" But he didn't wait for my answer. I guess...he was really freaked out. I had 3 hours sleep. The coldness sort of preserved my tiredness and I don't seem to feel tired the whole day. I still went shopping and met up with Sim. We had a good time after not seeing each other for....almost a year? But somehow I felt that we weren't far apart maybe cause we communicated frequently. I even had a good time playing with some babies in the MRT. Don't know since when I adored children. By the way, I've put on weight. Waaaaa....:~( It has to do a lot with the monthly thing and lack of sleep, as when we have lack of sleep, we tend to get more hungry but it's actually adding more junk into the tummy. I have to knock myself back in shape and I am getting lazy with my exercise. Darn...I wonder if I can ever succeed in this...achieving the 10km run, achieving a healthy bod...achieving a desirable body...I hate adding weight because it makes me look older. Hand me the ice-cream please... Feels like a Smeagol moment... J | | |
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